Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear Bosley Medical Group,

Do you want to know what’s funny? Your commercials. Every time your ads for magical hair tonic air (or whatever hair replacement you’re peddling) I crack up laughing.

You know that first guy in the ad? The one who is talking about how great your products and services are? You remember how he said he was tired of people looking at his bald head before looking at his face?

Hah!

That’s what I say. It’s irony, poetic justice for all those years he spent looking at women’s boobs while he was talking to them. Do you think he ever noticed that the boobs weren’t talking back? I doubt it. But now that the tables are turned he’s all, “Talk to my face, bitches!”

What a loser. He deserves to be bald.

Cheers,

Heather Mark

Dear Dr. Marc Weissbluth,

Your book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” was recommended to me by a coworker. I was so excited to work your plan when my baby was born, I really thought it would make my baby into a boy wonder. I found that the more I read and the older my baby got, the more turned off I was by your method. I shelved the book for a while and waited until just the other day to go back to it.

My baby is now five months old. While I’m still not willing to let him cry in his crib for a full hour when he doesn’t want to sleep, your sleep cycle graphic has done wonders for me. As soon as I put him on the sleep schedule you recommended, and let him cry when he wakes up at 2 or 3 am, his whole demeanor changed. I never imagined that he was waking up for any other reason besides being hungry. You put it all in perspective for me when you said it wasn’t fair to get him out of bed and force him to eat when he wasn’t hungry. That is something I never would have imagined on my own.

Thank you so much, Dr. Weissbluth. I hope we will continue to have successful nights (and naps!)

Best to you,

Heather Mark

Dear Cheru Jackson,

I first learned of your website AlphaInventions.com when I saw an incoming link on one of my blogs. Curious to know who you were, I clicked on it and was immediately confused. I watched dozens of blogs cycle through a rotation on your AlphaInventions.com website and read your miles and miles of blog but I still didn’t understand what you were trying to accomplish.

Sometimes, you just have to experience something to truly understand it. So I plugged the URL of one of my blogs into the AlphaInventions “Notify People About My Blog” field and within an hour I had 150 hits. Concerned that it was some kind of scam or link farm, I started reading around.

What I learned is that you, Cheru Jackson, have created an ingenious way for bloggers to read and comment on blogs we may never have known about before. By listing my blog on AlphaInventions.com I have received hundreds of hits.

I now understand that AlphaInventions works like a string of toppling dominoes. I enter my URL, then I’m taken to a link for the blog I bumped out of the rotation. I read, leave comments, and that’s it. It’s a feel-good method of blog networking.

Thank you so much, Cheru. Your hard work has definitely made this blogger a believer in your mission.

All the best in the new year,

Heather Mark

Dear The Nest,

I believe I got on your mailing list when I signed up for The Knot during my wedding planning. Suddenly after my wedding date I started getting a free subscription to your magazine.

I’m very concerned about the content in your publication. I can tell by looking at the cover and reading your features that you cater to an upscale clientele. But if you’ll notice, the little interjections here and there about the unhealthy financial state of your readers is disheartening. You must either stop trying to sell an upperclass lifestyle to 25 year old newlyweds, or you must begin quoting readers who actually are part of the wealthy set.

For example, on page 96 of the winter 2008 issue, you advise a woman not to close a credit card account that she is no longer using because it will affect her credit score. News flash: Our country is being torn limb from limb because the government and the citizens are all living out a credit fantasy. We cannot live healthy and build wealth on a debt laden house of cards. Credit scores only matter to people who need credit. What about getting a mortgage? A good mortgage underwriter knows when a homebuyer has strong financials. A credit score isn’t going keep a person in an apartment forever.

Oh, and that question is faced next to an American Express ad. Lost your job? Got no emergency fund? Just get another credit card. Look how well credit works for our government!

On page 105 you say, “Remember that shouldering some debt is okay.” I’m tearing my hair out at this one! NO DEBT is the only kind of “okay” debt. The only debt any of us should shoulder is a mortgage. Everything else needs to be paid of as quickly as possible, that means taking a second job and selling some stuff to make it happen. NO DEBT IS GOOD DEBT.

On page 121, a reader confesses to having “a secret credit card just for shoe shopping.” Is that supposed to be a cute comment? eHarmony.com lists financial woes as the number one reason for divorce. How could you, in good conscience, print this immature, idiotic remark from a girl who thinks keeping secrets and spending money she doesn’t have is okay in her marriage? Fortunately, another woman in a much healthier state of mind says, “I save up just so I can spurge on facials, pedicures and massages.” That’s how it should be.

Please, The Nest, your readers need a dose of tough love. They need to know that debt and credit and secrets are not a foundation on which to build a healthy marriage. Tell it like it is. Let’s create a stable future for ourselves.

Thanks,

Heather Mark

Source: http://marriage.eharmony.com/advice/marriage-save-12.html

Dear Santa,

As you know, my stocking has always been my absolute most favorite part of Christmas morning since I was a child. You would bring me awesome things like new underpants, sample sized bottles of perfume, nail polish, fancy chocolate shop candies, it was wonderful.

I haven’t written you a wish list in a very long time because I don’t really need anything. As an adult with a full time job, my needs are mostly met. This year, however, I have composed a list of items that I absolutely do not want to find in my stocking. And I might recommend that if you’re thinking of delivering these items to anyone else, you might want to think twice (much like you check twice, right?). So, here’s the list.

1. A Crocs Cell Phone Case

This is called a “Crocs-o-Dial” from what I gather. I never thought those ugly Crocs Swiss-cheese-lookin’-clown-shoes were cool to begin with, and the last thing I need is a rainbow charmed, antimicrobial cell phone case.

2. Dog Stool

This obviously won’t fit in a stocking, but it’s called dog stool. Dog stool?

3. Bacon Flavored Anything

There seems to be a trend towards making bacon “cool”. There are bacon bandages, bacon air fresheners, bacon luggage tags and now bacon dental floss. No one needs this.

4. Snot Pockets

I don’t blow my nose into a handkercheif and if I did, I especially don’t need one with a special pocket just to keep my boogers safe. The whole idea of a Snot Pocket kind of turns my stomach.

That’s just a few of the things I definitely don’t want to unwrap on Christmas morning. If I come up with anything else, I’ll be sure to let you know. Thanks for everything you do, Santa!

Always a fan,

Heather

Dear OJ Simpson,

I hate you so, so, so, so, so much. I hate that you’ve been looking for so long but haven’t found Nicole’s killer yet. I hate that you’re a bully. I hate that your kids have to deal with you without their mother. I hate that you continue to make money even though you’re behind bars.

What’s that? You’re still making money? Yeah, your ridiculous “Juiced” collectors edition DVD hits store shelves today and it sounds like some real classic style filmmaking. Let’s see, in part of the video you portray a used car salesman trying to sell a white Bronco perforated with bullet holes. All the while promoting its “escapability” feature.

You are such a filthy man. I can’t believe an anvil hasn’t fallen out of a tenth floor window and crushed you in the name of karma.

Still creeped out after all these years,

Heather Mark

Dear Looky-Loos,

Shame on you! A terrible tragedy has befallen our neighborhood and you have turned one family’s tragedy into your own fifteen minutes of fame. The people who ride by on their bikes or nonchalantly walk their dogs while all the TV trucks are out are despicable, but the absolute worst of you are the church groups.

Six months ago a little girl from my neighborhood went missing. Her name is Caylee Marie Anthony. Today they found what is probably her bones. We should all pray for her innocent soul and the loved ones she left behind.

Prayer for a family in need is not the same thing as marketing your congregation on their lawn in hopes that the media “accidentally” captures your image on the news. For you freaks who continually drive your church vans down the street in the name of Jesus and a little girl’s life cut short, GET LOST!

If you’re legit, you’ll call your members to meet at your house of worship and you’ll pray together. You will pray for the Anthonys to stay strong. You will pray for justice for little Caylee. You will hold your babies closer, tell your family you love them, give of yourself to your communities. That does not include driving the church van past a fragile family’s home, to wave as you pass the TV cameras, all in the name of righteousness… and above all Jesus.

Jesus would be ashamed of you, making a circus out of a family tragedy. You’d best get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

Heather

Dear Britney Spears,

I’m so sad about today’s performance on Good Morning America. I was really hoping you’d learn your lesson from the “Gimme, Gimme” fiasco on the MTV Video Music Awards. While your performance was a little more well rehearsed than that disaster, it wasn’t all that much better. In fact, it was sort of boring.

I’m not trying to break you down, Britney. I really like what you do, I’ve even been known to rock out to a Britney Spears song  in my car from time to time. So I promise you, my constructive criticism comes from my heart, this is not hate mail by any means.

Here is the conflict I have with your career. You are 27 now, a mother of two beautiful boys. You’ve been through the wringer and left out to dry by your “people”, your family and the media. That abuse shows through in your performances. Maybe you’d want to concentrate on your voice and not your abs for a change. It was somewhat awkward seeing you prance around in skimpy outfits in front of your mom and children. And let’s face it, since having your kids you’re curvier than you used to be. The lycra just isn’t as hot as it used to be.

Maybe you could take a cue from Angelina Jolie. She’s an impeccable dresser, always sexy without being trashy. Cover up some of your skin instead of flaunting it, it would a new, grown-up direction for you.

I expect you’ll take my advice with less than a grain of salt. But I really like you, Britney. I want to see you succeed. I just think the avenues that got you to the top might not guide you towards your future. Happy birthday, dear. I hope it was a joyful one.

Your fan,

Heather

Dear The Biggest Loser,

Since season one, I have always been a huge fan of your show. It is so inspirational. But even more than that, it is motivational. When I watch The Biggest Loser I see some really unhealthy people overcoming major obstacles and turning their lives around. If they can do it, I can at least do half of what they do.

But please, producers, no other show on television features such blatant, tactless and obvious product placement as The Biggest Loser. I understand that the advertisers are the ones who pay for the production costs. And back when I worked for Warner Bros. I would frequently visit my friends over in the product placement office when I needed shampoo or corn chips or toothpaste. I have personally benefited from product placement enterprises. Not that that has anything to do with this letter, I just sort of miss getting free stuff.

Anyway, tonight you cut into the show so a couple of contestants could talk about how great Orville Redenbacher popcorn is. Last week it was something else, I forget what it was now but I remember commenting to my husband how lame your product placement strategy is. Obviously the practice isn’t working if I can’t even remember what the product du jour was just last week. Oh, ZipLoc, was that what it was? I think it was ZipLoc bags.

Here’s my recommendation.  Stick to Jillian yelling at people and young girls gushing over Bob. I want to see blood, sweat and vomit in every episode. Thank you for hearing me out.

Gobble gobble!

Heather Mark

Dear Baby Einstein,

I am a very weary new mom. Thank you so much for saving my sanity. You see, my three month old son is not the independent type. If he isn’t being held he cries like somebody lit his diaper on fire. But by some miracle of distraction, your Baby Einstein videos entertain him to no end.

It never occurred to me that a baby born just a handful of weeks ago, with limited eyesight no less, could enjoy television. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be one of those moms who dumps their kid in front of the TV just to get him out of her hair. It’s just that Baby Beethoven keeps him quiet and happy for a little while, long enough for me to take a shower or sit here writing a letter to you.

Let’s be honest, who wants to be up at 6am on a Saturday if they don’t have to? Not me. Last night was long, I’m pretty sure my baby will never sleep through the night. Not even a gargantuan cup of coffee was working for me this morning. I plopped little baby in his Boppy chair in front of his Baby Einstein and I enjoyed some wake up time to myself on the couch.

Thank you, Baby Einstein. You are a diamond in the rough.

Groggily yours,

Heather Mark