Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear [Name Redacted],

Who the hell do you think you are? Your job posting on Problogger.net throws mud in the face of every self respecting freelance writer on the face of planet Earth. I thought I was pretty well suited to your job listing and I was eager to apply until I came to this line:

My name is [Name Redacted]. Find my email and email me.

We are writing professionals, [Name Redacted]. Do you really think we have time to scuttle all over the internet to find your stupid e mail address? Is it really such a privilege to write for the illustrious [Name Redacted] that you’ll pay us a whopping $20 per post? You pissed me off enough not to want to look for your e mail address but to find out who you think you are. A quick Google search for “[Name Redacted]” told me all I needed to know–you’re a stuck up, barely 21 year old wannabe internet sensation. You think you’re the bee’s knees because you’re big on StumbleUpon.

Reality check, [Name Redacted], no self respecting freelancer is going to “find your e mail”. We have better paying, more reputable publications to write for than your dumbass website that doesn’t even exist yet. Good luck finding your perfect candidates.

Truly enraged,

Heather Mark

Dear Garmin,

Zoiks! We sure were excited when we received a Nuvi as a wedding gift. Being the avid travelers my husband and I are, we couldn’t wait to experience the navigation juggernaut you have created. Usually you’re spot on with directions. But last week in Detroit and today in Orlando you took us on a wild goose chase.

Since when are you the purveyors of U-turns? For no apparent reason, Nuvi will tell us to turn in the opposite direction of our destination and then U-turn us back in the right direction. What are you trying to do to us? This isn’t Pin the Tail on the Donkey. We don’t want to be disoriented when we’re driving rental cars in unfamiliar cities. Especially in Detroit. Have you ever been lost in Hamtramck? It’s a bad, bad scene. Just Google “Hamtramck” and “crime” and see what kinds of scary stats pop up.

Anyway, thanks for your attention. No more U-turns, a’ight?

Lost in my own city,

Heather Mark

Dear Guy Sitting in 21F,

I understand this airline has an open seating policy. In fact, I’ve worked for this airline since 2002 so I’m quite familiar with most of its policies. The thing about open seating is it’s full of surprises. You never know whom, if anyone, you’ll be sitting next to.

When I boarded, I was the very last person on. I was carring a car seat (with a baby in it), a car seat base, a diaper bag and one other carry on. I quickly settled in right behind you in row 22, which was the only open row on the plane. I installed my car seat in 22F and I sat in 22E.

I found it quite presumptuous of you to ask me to move my car seat to the aisle seat because it inconvenienced your reclinability. Normally I would feel bad for you because you couldn’t recline, but seeing as I was the last one to board and the front door of the aircraft was already closed I had no time to move the car seat. Not to mention it’s illegal to place a car seat in the aisle seat. When I pointed out the two empty seats next to you, both of which had a full spectrum of reclinability, you gave me attitude.

Perhaps if you’d offered me a hand in getting settled or just been courteous to me, I’d be more inclined to rearrange myself so you could recline 21F. But you were a jerk and no amount of trying to force your seat back repeatedly only to be blocked by my car seat was going to get me to move over. You’re a grown man, sir, an not much of a gentleman. A gentleman would have realized how preoccupied I was traveling alone with a newborn and all his gear and quietly sat in an adjacent empty seat.

I suppose, Mr. 21F, what I want is for you to learn some manners. But seeing as you made it 40something years without absorbing those lessons I understand you won’t be changing your ways. Good luck in the future, sir. Your method hasn’t worked so far, I encourage you to continue behaving badly for another 40 years. See where it takes you.

Whatever,

Heather

Dear those who want to sound like techies,

This note will be short and sweet. This is for all you late night informercials, ill informed copywriters and anyone faking their way through sounding technically savvy.

When referring to a web address, there is no need to refer to a slash as a backslash.

Indeed, there are two types of slashes–the forward slash and the back slash. The forward slash is also referred to as “slash”, the “forward” is understood. A forward slash looks like / . A back slash looks like \ .

You’ll notice that web addresses start with http:// . That’s colon-slash-slash, not colon-back slash-back slash.

I hope someone has gained something by reading my humble letter. I simply want to bring the world one step closer to semiotic harmony.

Cheers,

Heather

Dear Advocates of Increasing the Minimum Wage,

It’s a really, really, ridiculously bad idea to raise the minimum wage. $7 is very generous when you observe the talent pool available for many part time positions. Allow me to share my story of two recent sojourns into some local fast food establishments.

Last week, Sweetie and I decided to hit up the Wendy’s at Lake Underhill and Chickasaw for some delicious chicken sandwiches. Along with our delicious chicken sandwiches we both ordered garden salads instead of french fries. Our salads consisted of romaine lettuce with tomatoes, carrots and cucumbers on top. When Sweetie placed the order he was told we wouldn’t be getting tomatoes on our sandwiches as they were out of tomatoes that day. Unless you’re ordering a salad, I guess.

While Sweetie was handling the ordering, I was seated at a grubby table. Lucky for us, whenever we’re with Babe-O, (We actually spell it Babo but everyone mispronounces it Babbo, Boo Boo, Bamboo. So for simplicity’s sake, I’ll just spell it Babe-O.) and I have the diaper bag with me I can wipe down the grubby table with a baby wipe. That’s just what I did that day.

Incidentally, when I was in college I worked at the ice cream shop at the end of the hall inside Quincy Market in Boston. My boss always said, “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” That being said, I’ll return to my story…

So I wiped down our table because every single table had food stuck to it. Then the guy with the spray bottle came out all non-chalant like. He would approach a table, squirt squirt, gaze out the window, wipe wipe, gaze at the ceiling, move on. At a snail’s pace he moved from table to table. But get this, at the four-top tables that were two two-tops pushed together, he would only clean one of the tables. Who does that? It’s like putting lipstick on just the top lip. Or clapping with one hand. It just sort of goes without saying that if you clean half the table, you clean the other half.

I noticed a few minutes later that the squirt squirt guy had his fly down. With his shirt poking out through it.

Tonight, Sweetie, Babe-O and I came home from our trip to Michigan. I stayed home to feed Babe-O while Sweetie picked up some Taco Bell. He went over to the one on Semoran and actually went inside, not just to the drive thru. He placed our order, which was super simple. Like, a few soft chicken tacos and a soda pop. It’s definitely not complicated.

The first time they gave him the order it had, like, a dozen tacos and a salad. He gave it back. The second and third time they got the order wrong again. He stood there at the counter and Bon Qui Qui behind the counter says, “You still here?” Um, yeah. That’s when he handed her his receipt and said, “Read it. Put what I ordered in the bag.” She tried again and still got it wrong. We ended up with nachos, a burrito supreme, and two salsa tacos. Yes, I say salsa tacos because that’s what they were. Salsa inside a tortilla.

Now, I realize I’ve been long-winded about all this. But my point is, do people who can’t concentrate on Windexing tables deserve $10 an hour? If it takes four tries to put a few tacos in a bag and it still isn’t right, is that worthy of $30k a year? I unequivocally say, “No way, Jose.” These are gateway jobs. They are not meant to be a career, but maybe a launch pad for bigger and better jobs. Much like marijuana is a gateway to, say, shooting smack in the sexy-time bathroom with George Michael.

Thank you for your consideration, ye proponents of big paychecks for menial work. I know you will take my opinion to heart.

Best,
Heather

Dear Nashville Songwriters,

I’m not a country and western purist. While others criticize today’s trend towards pop and rock influence in the country genre, I kind of like it. (Except Taylor Swift. There isn’t even a hint of a cliche slide guitar or twangy yodel in her music. She just sounds so High School Musical to me.)

In the past few years there has been a trend in lyric writing towards the triple ententre. Yes, we’ve gone beyond the madness of the double ententre to the triple. I first noticed it in the Kenny Chesney song “There Goes My Life”. The character undergoes three different life experiences pertaining to the phrase “There Goes My Life” in each verse of the song. In the first verse he laments the inconvenience of an unplanned pregnancy in his youth. In the second verse, Chesney sings about how sweet it is that his little mistake has become an adorable little girl going off to bed. “There Goes My Life,” he says as she heads up the stairs. In the third verse he’s sending the little mistake off to college. As she drives off for the last time, you guessed it, “There Goes My Life”.

This formula is playing out too much. Please come up with something new. Poor Bucky Covington fell into the trap of the triple ententre with his latest single “I’ll Walk”. First verse, he has his first fight with his high school sweetheart and she doesn’t want a ride from him. “I’ll Walk,” she says. Verse two, she gets hit by a car that night and is hospitalized. “I’ll Walk,” she swears from her hospital bed. Third verse, she wants to walk down the aisle on her wedding day.

Enough with this sappy stuff! Bring back the songs about drinking and sin. There is no place for easy listening on my country dial.

A big fan,
Heather

Dear McDonald’s,

No doubt you’ve heard about the food shortge in the world. People in Darfur and North Korea and Afghanistan are starving thanks to irresponsible politics and out of control military guerilla groups. As such, it is inhumane to consider making fuel out of corn when so many children go for weeks without a morsel to put in their bellies.

Likewise, it is irresponsible of you to sell two Egg McMuffins for $2.10 while one sells for $2.85. You force your customers to purchase two Egg McMuffins in order to save money. The second Egg McMuffin will likely end up in the trash–a perfectly dispicable waste of grain, eggs, cheese and ham. Additionally, it encourages deforestation (wasted paper wrappers), overconsumption of fossil fuels and air pollution (the needless use of fuel for vehicles to move the supplies).

McDonald’s, it is your ethical responsibility to sell a single Egg McMuffin at a price which correlates more accurately to the cost of two.If that is not an option, I implore you to send rations to these needy people or, at least, donate funds to a relief organization.

Sincerely,
Heather Mark

Dear Today.com,

I’m going to be brief because I think this speaks for itself. How in the world did this blogger become number 7 on your site? You should be ashamed! I can’t even justify putting the URL down because I don’t want them getting any more hits.

Car Rental - the steering wheel personally

Car Rental - the steering wheel personally or charter with driver Want car rent, the motor or the bus, the steering wheel personally or direct with our driver who was experienced, so as your holiday would increasingly enjoying rent or the steering wheel of the daily car personally the car could be used 24 jam Charter the car including the driver + gas maximum the use 10 hours, extra the use 10% of the price that was sealed. Just visit indobalitravel.com for more information their accomodation.

What the hell was that?

Just another struggling blogger,
Heather

Dear Florida Democrats,

No, not the voters, I mean the democrat party leaders, wannabes and the DNC. I am so tired of your campaign ads I’m pretty sure I won’t be voting for any of the candidates you are promoting. When I turn on the six o’clock news I don’t get a single pitch for a product or service, just election crap. Don’t believe me?

Tonight during the channel 6 news, in one commercial break we had ads for,
Alan Grayson
Something else relating to your party
An anti McCain ad sponsored by the DNC
No on 2
Thad Altman

The Thad Altman ad is the only republican offering, one in five.

Over at channel 9 we had,
No on 2
Bryan Nelson
Gary Siplin
The DNC ad

In this selection, Bryan Nelson is the only republican. One in four this time.

Are we to assume that by spending this kind of money you will sweep the coveted I4 Corridor? Or are you just running so scared that you feel you need to shove your message down everybody’s throats?

I specifically want to express my concern for Alan Grayson’s 1) lack of spatial perception, and 2) lack of fashion sense. In the Grayson ad, he shows off his fancy briefcase full of $1 million in cash. He then says it would fill up a whole airplane hangar to equal $1 billion dollars. Well, that’s only 1,000 briefcases, Mr. Grayson. Those would have to be really, really big briefcases to fill a hangar. Also, please stop wearing that American flag tie with gray suits. The only people who don’t look like clowns when wearing the American flag tie are pilots, and since you don’t know much about hangars I’m guessing you know even less about airplanes. Since we’re on the topic of public image, you need to hire Rachel Zoe or something. That chick is in need of work and you need an overhaul - make up and all! When I see you on TV I immediately think, Quasimodo, troll under the bridge, O’Doyle from Billy Madison. You’re seriously scary, dude.

So anyway, Dems. I can’t wait till the election is over so I can go back to watching Dan Newlin and Cash for Gold ads. That’ll be sweet.

Your friend,
Heather

Dear Evenflo,

You make lots of practical infant items and your prices are generally good. But I have to wonder, who do you have designing these things? Clearly they’re not engineers. Or parents for that matter.

I have an older model of your Aura travel system. I love that I get the car seat/stroller action all in one. And that stroller is a real workhorse. I’ve put so much mileage on those wheels I’m surprised they haven’t fallen off.

Not only haven’t they fallen off, they haven’t gone in a straight line, either. Most of the time I push the thing and the front wheels go sideways. That’s it. I can kick and jiggle the wheels but they stay sideways. Every other stroller has wheels that go in the proper direction, what happened here?

Now the car seat, what a debacle that thing is. Did you even try to fit it into an automobile before you put it on the market? I love the zig-zag handle design, it’s nice on the wrist. But the handle is huge. I’ve installed this thing in a sedan, a mini-van and an SUV and that gargantuan handle makes it impossible for anyone to sit in the front seat. The front seat has to be moved all the way forward to accommodate the stupid handle.

The only gigantic thing about that car seat is the handle. My son isn’t even 11 weeks old yet and he’s already outgrown it. His little legs dangle over the edge and he practically sits on top of the groin strap. Can’t that be moved a little more forward so his little hey-diddle-diddle doesn’t become diaper dingleberry jam?

Unfortunately, we’ve relegated your car seat to airline detail. It’s small design fits nicely into airplane seats. And we don’t care if it gets ruined should we have to check it at the last minute. I know, those words sting, but maybe you should do some test marketing before you sell this crap next time.

Very sincerely,
Mrs. Mark