Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear McDonald’s,

No doubt you’ve heard about the food shortge in the world. People in Darfur and North Korea and Afghanistan are starving thanks to irresponsible politics and out of control military guerilla groups. As such, it is inhumane to consider making fuel out of corn when so many children go for weeks without a morsel to put in their bellies.

Likewise, it is irresponsible of you to sell two Egg McMuffins for $2.10 while one sells for $2.85. You force your customers to purchase two Egg McMuffins in order to save money. The second Egg McMuffin will likely end up in the trash–a perfectly dispicable waste of grain, eggs, cheese and ham. Additionally, it encourages deforestation (wasted paper wrappers), overconsumption of fossil fuels and air pollution (the needless use of fuel for vehicles to move the supplies).

McDonald’s, it is your ethical responsibility to sell a single Egg McMuffin at a price which correlates more accurately to the cost of two.If that is not an option, I implore you to send rations to these needy people or, at least, donate funds to a relief organization.

Sincerely,
Heather Mark

Dear Florida Democrats,

No, not the voters, I mean the democrat party leaders, wannabes and the DNC. I am so tired of your campaign ads I’m pretty sure I won’t be voting for any of the candidates you are promoting. When I turn on the six o’clock news I don’t get a single pitch for a product or service, just election crap. Don’t believe me?

Tonight during the channel 6 news, in one commercial break we had ads for,
Alan Grayson
Something else relating to your party
An anti McCain ad sponsored by the DNC
No on 2
Thad Altman

The Thad Altman ad is the only republican offering, one in five.

Over at channel 9 we had,
No on 2
Bryan Nelson
Gary Siplin
The DNC ad

In this selection, Bryan Nelson is the only republican. One in four this time.

Are we to assume that by spending this kind of money you will sweep the coveted I4 Corridor? Or are you just running so scared that you feel you need to shove your message down everybody’s throats?

I specifically want to express my concern for Alan Grayson’s 1) lack of spatial perception, and 2) lack of fashion sense. In the Grayson ad, he shows off his fancy briefcase full of $1 million in cash. He then says it would fill up a whole airplane hangar to equal $1 billion dollars. Well, that’s only 1,000 briefcases, Mr. Grayson. Those would have to be really, really big briefcases to fill a hangar. Also, please stop wearing that American flag tie with gray suits. The only people who don’t look like clowns when wearing the American flag tie are pilots, and since you don’t know much about hangars I’m guessing you know even less about airplanes. Since we’re on the topic of public image, you need to hire Rachel Zoe or something. That chick is in need of work and you need an overhaul - make up and all! When I see you on TV I immediately think, Quasimodo, troll under the bridge, O’Doyle from Billy Madison. You’re seriously scary, dude.

So anyway, Dems. I can’t wait till the election is over so I can go back to watching Dan Newlin and Cash for Gold ads. That’ll be sweet.

Your friend,
Heather

Dear Senator McCain,

Since I’m sure you are a devout follower - dare I suggest even a subscriber - of my blog, you are familiar with my love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. This is an issue I think you ought to consider in the final days of the presidential campaign.

You see, Senator, as I was making my runs to Target and Office Depot yesterday, I got snarled up in some traffic on East Colonial. The road has been under construction for some time and traffic is always dreadful, but yesterday it was magically awful. (Have you noticed, Senator, that everything in Orlando is “magical”?)

As I left Target bound for the Depot, my son started to cry. Boy was he hungry! I couldn’t skip out on my Office Depot run to go straight home so I had to pull over into a parking lot to feed him. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal but in bumper-to-bumper traffic my only option was to listen to him scream.

Have you ever been in a car with a screaming infant, Senator? It’s kind of like driving with Nancy Pelosi in the back seat, it’s that upsetting. It took me a good ten minutes to merge into the construction traffic and find the nearest parking lot to do the deed.

After spending quality time next to the dumpster at Artesian Pools, I attempted to reenter the traffic. Not a quarter mile away I saw your buses, your entourage, and all your Joe the Plumber photo ops. You had descended upon the Mi Viaje restaurant.

Sir, do you think your staff could have found a better place to have lunch? Couldn’t you Straight Talk yourself Expressly down to the resorts or something? I mean, there are lots of immigrant owned restaurants with Spanish names in Orlando. And why is it you guys always go to the immigrant owned businesses? Is Joe the Plumber just to vanilla for you? Well, that’s a letter for another day. Just because you wanted some tacos my poor son couldn’t eat. Now that’s just wrong.

I hope your tacos didn’t give you gas. Best of luck in the election.

Yours truly,
Heather