Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear The Biggest Loser,

Since season one, I have always been a huge fan of your show. It is so inspirational. But even more than that, it is motivational. When I watch The Biggest Loser I see some really unhealthy people overcoming major obstacles and turning their lives around. If they can do it, I can at least do half of what they do.

But please, producers, no other show on television features such blatant, tactless and obvious product placement as The Biggest Loser. I understand that the advertisers are the ones who pay for the production costs. And back when I worked for Warner Bros. I would frequently visit my friends over in the product placement office when I needed shampoo or corn chips or toothpaste. I have personally benefited from product placement enterprises. Not that that has anything to do with this letter, I just sort of miss getting free stuff.

Anyway, tonight you cut into the show so a couple of contestants could talk about how great Orville Redenbacher popcorn is. Last week it was something else, I forget what it was now but I remember commenting to my husband how lame your product placement strategy is. Obviously the practice isn’t working if I can’t even remember what the product du jour was just last week. Oh, ZipLoc, was that what it was? I think it was ZipLoc bags.

Here’s my recommendation.  Stick to Jillian yelling at people and young girls gushing over Bob. I want to see blood, sweat and vomit in every episode. Thank you for hearing me out.

Gobble gobble!

Heather Mark

Dear Advocates of Increasing the Minimum Wage,

It’s a really, really, ridiculously bad idea to raise the minimum wage. $7 is very generous when you observe the talent pool available for many part time positions. Allow me to share my story of two recent sojourns into some local fast food establishments.

Last week, Sweetie and I decided to hit up the Wendy’s at Lake Underhill and Chickasaw for some delicious chicken sandwiches. Along with our delicious chicken sandwiches we both ordered garden salads instead of french fries. Our salads consisted of romaine lettuce with tomatoes, carrots and cucumbers on top. When Sweetie placed the order he was told we wouldn’t be getting tomatoes on our sandwiches as they were out of tomatoes that day. Unless you’re ordering a salad, I guess.

While Sweetie was handling the ordering, I was seated at a grubby table. Lucky for us, whenever we’re with Babe-O, (We actually spell it Babo but everyone mispronounces it Babbo, Boo Boo, Bamboo. So for simplicity’s sake, I’ll just spell it Babe-O.) and I have the diaper bag with me I can wipe down the grubby table with a baby wipe. That’s just what I did that day.

Incidentally, when I was in college I worked at the ice cream shop at the end of the hall inside Quincy Market in Boston. My boss always said, “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.” That being said, I’ll return to my story…

So I wiped down our table because every single table had food stuck to it. Then the guy with the spray bottle came out all non-chalant like. He would approach a table, squirt squirt, gaze out the window, wipe wipe, gaze at the ceiling, move on. At a snail’s pace he moved from table to table. But get this, at the four-top tables that were two two-tops pushed together, he would only clean one of the tables. Who does that? It’s like putting lipstick on just the top lip. Or clapping with one hand. It just sort of goes without saying that if you clean half the table, you clean the other half.

I noticed a few minutes later that the squirt squirt guy had his fly down. With his shirt poking out through it.

Tonight, Sweetie, Babe-O and I came home from our trip to Michigan. I stayed home to feed Babe-O while Sweetie picked up some Taco Bell. He went over to the one on Semoran and actually went inside, not just to the drive thru. He placed our order, which was super simple. Like, a few soft chicken tacos and a soda pop. It’s definitely not complicated.

The first time they gave him the order it had, like, a dozen tacos and a salad. He gave it back. The second and third time they got the order wrong again. He stood there at the counter and Bon Qui Qui behind the counter says, “You still here?” Um, yeah. That’s when he handed her his receipt and said, “Read it. Put what I ordered in the bag.” She tried again and still got it wrong. We ended up with nachos, a burrito supreme, and two salsa tacos. Yes, I say salsa tacos because that’s what they were. Salsa inside a tortilla.

Now, I realize I’ve been long-winded about all this. But my point is, do people who can’t concentrate on Windexing tables deserve $10 an hour? If it takes four tries to put a few tacos in a bag and it still isn’t right, is that worthy of $30k a year? I unequivocally say, “No way, Jose.” These are gateway jobs. They are not meant to be a career, but maybe a launch pad for bigger and better jobs. Much like marijuana is a gateway to, say, shooting smack in the sexy-time bathroom with George Michael.

Thank you for your consideration, ye proponents of big paychecks for menial work. I know you will take my opinion to heart.

Best,
Heather

Dear McDonald’s,

No doubt you’ve heard about the food shortge in the world. People in Darfur and North Korea and Afghanistan are starving thanks to irresponsible politics and out of control military guerilla groups. As such, it is inhumane to consider making fuel out of corn when so many children go for weeks without a morsel to put in their bellies.

Likewise, it is irresponsible of you to sell two Egg McMuffins for $2.10 while one sells for $2.85. You force your customers to purchase two Egg McMuffins in order to save money. The second Egg McMuffin will likely end up in the trash–a perfectly dispicable waste of grain, eggs, cheese and ham. Additionally, it encourages deforestation (wasted paper wrappers), overconsumption of fossil fuels and air pollution (the needless use of fuel for vehicles to move the supplies).

McDonald’s, it is your ethical responsibility to sell a single Egg McMuffin at a price which correlates more accurately to the cost of two.If that is not an option, I implore you to send rations to these needy people or, at least, donate funds to a relief organization.

Sincerely,
Heather Mark