Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear Bosley Medical Group,

Do you want to know what’s funny? Your commercials. Every time your ads for magical hair tonic air (or whatever hair replacement you’re peddling) I crack up laughing.

You know that first guy in the ad? The one who is talking about how great your products and services are? You remember how he said he was tired of people looking at his bald head before looking at his face?

Hah!

That’s what I say. It’s irony, poetic justice for all those years he spent looking at women’s boobs while he was talking to them. Do you think he ever noticed that the boobs weren’t talking back? I doubt it. But now that the tables are turned he’s all, “Talk to my face, bitches!”

What a loser. He deserves to be bald.

Cheers,

Heather Mark

Dear OJ Simpson,

I hate you so, so, so, so, so much. I hate that you’ve been looking for so long but haven’t found Nicole’s killer yet. I hate that you’re a bully. I hate that your kids have to deal with you without their mother. I hate that you continue to make money even though you’re behind bars.

What’s that? You’re still making money? Yeah, your ridiculous “Juiced” collectors edition DVD hits store shelves today and it sounds like some real classic style filmmaking. Let’s see, in part of the video you portray a used car salesman trying to sell a white Bronco perforated with bullet holes. All the while promoting its “escapability” feature.

You are such a filthy man. I can’t believe an anvil hasn’t fallen out of a tenth floor window and crushed you in the name of karma.

Still creeped out after all these years,

Heather Mark

Dear Britney Spears,

I’m so sad about today’s performance on Good Morning America. I was really hoping you’d learn your lesson from the “Gimme, Gimme” fiasco on the MTV Video Music Awards. While your performance was a little more well rehearsed than that disaster, it wasn’t all that much better. In fact, it was sort of boring.

I’m not trying to break you down, Britney. I really like what you do, I’ve even been known to rock out to a Britney Spears song  in my car from time to time. So I promise you, my constructive criticism comes from my heart, this is not hate mail by any means.

Here is the conflict I have with your career. You are 27 now, a mother of two beautiful boys. You’ve been through the wringer and left out to dry by your “people”, your family and the media. That abuse shows through in your performances. Maybe you’d want to concentrate on your voice and not your abs for a change. It was somewhat awkward seeing you prance around in skimpy outfits in front of your mom and children. And let’s face it, since having your kids you’re curvier than you used to be. The lycra just isn’t as hot as it used to be.

Maybe you could take a cue from Angelina Jolie. She’s an impeccable dresser, always sexy without being trashy. Cover up some of your skin instead of flaunting it, it would a new, grown-up direction for you.

I expect you’ll take my advice with less than a grain of salt. But I really like you, Britney. I want to see you succeed. I just think the avenues that got you to the top might not guide you towards your future. Happy birthday, dear. I hope it was a joyful one.

Your fan,

Heather

Dear The Biggest Loser,

Since season one, I have always been a huge fan of your show. It is so inspirational. But even more than that, it is motivational. When I watch The Biggest Loser I see some really unhealthy people overcoming major obstacles and turning their lives around. If they can do it, I can at least do half of what they do.

But please, producers, no other show on television features such blatant, tactless and obvious product placement as The Biggest Loser. I understand that the advertisers are the ones who pay for the production costs. And back when I worked for Warner Bros. I would frequently visit my friends over in the product placement office when I needed shampoo or corn chips or toothpaste. I have personally benefited from product placement enterprises. Not that that has anything to do with this letter, I just sort of miss getting free stuff.

Anyway, tonight you cut into the show so a couple of contestants could talk about how great Orville Redenbacher popcorn is. Last week it was something else, I forget what it was now but I remember commenting to my husband how lame your product placement strategy is. Obviously the practice isn’t working if I can’t even remember what the product du jour was just last week. Oh, ZipLoc, was that what it was? I think it was ZipLoc bags.

Here’s my recommendation.  Stick to Jillian yelling at people and young girls gushing over Bob. I want to see blood, sweat and vomit in every episode. Thank you for hearing me out.

Gobble gobble!

Heather Mark

Dear Baby Einstein,

I am a very weary new mom. Thank you so much for saving my sanity. You see, my three month old son is not the independent type. If he isn’t being held he cries like somebody lit his diaper on fire. But by some miracle of distraction, your Baby Einstein videos entertain him to no end.

It never occurred to me that a baby born just a handful of weeks ago, with limited eyesight no less, could enjoy television. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be one of those moms who dumps their kid in front of the TV just to get him out of her hair. It’s just that Baby Beethoven keeps him quiet and happy for a little while, long enough for me to take a shower or sit here writing a letter to you.

Let’s be honest, who wants to be up at 6am on a Saturday if they don’t have to? Not me. Last night was long, I’m pretty sure my baby will never sleep through the night. Not even a gargantuan cup of coffee was working for me this morning. I plopped little baby in his Boppy chair in front of his Baby Einstein and I enjoyed some wake up time to myself on the couch.

Thank you, Baby Einstein. You are a diamond in the rough.

Groggily yours,

Heather Mark