Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear Bosley Medical Group,

Do you want to know what’s funny? Your commercials. Every time your ads for magical hair tonic air (or whatever hair replacement you’re peddling) I crack up laughing.

You know that first guy in the ad? The one who is talking about how great your products and services are? You remember how he said he was tired of people looking at his bald head before looking at his face?

Hah!

That’s what I say. It’s irony, poetic justice for all those years he spent looking at women’s boobs while he was talking to them. Do you think he ever noticed that the boobs weren’t talking back? I doubt it. But now that the tables are turned he’s all, “Talk to my face, bitches!”

What a loser. He deserves to be bald.

Cheers,

Heather Mark

Dear The Biggest Loser,

Since season one, I have always been a huge fan of your show. It is so inspirational. But even more than that, it is motivational. When I watch The Biggest Loser I see some really unhealthy people overcoming major obstacles and turning their lives around. If they can do it, I can at least do half of what they do.

But please, producers, no other show on television features such blatant, tactless and obvious product placement as The Biggest Loser. I understand that the advertisers are the ones who pay for the production costs. And back when I worked for Warner Bros. I would frequently visit my friends over in the product placement office when I needed shampoo or corn chips or toothpaste. I have personally benefited from product placement enterprises. Not that that has anything to do with this letter, I just sort of miss getting free stuff.

Anyway, tonight you cut into the show so a couple of contestants could talk about how great Orville Redenbacher popcorn is. Last week it was something else, I forget what it was now but I remember commenting to my husband how lame your product placement strategy is. Obviously the practice isn’t working if I can’t even remember what the product du jour was just last week. Oh, ZipLoc, was that what it was? I think it was ZipLoc bags.

Here’s my recommendation.  Stick to Jillian yelling at people and young girls gushing over Bob. I want to see blood, sweat and vomit in every episode. Thank you for hearing me out.

Gobble gobble!

Heather Mark

Dear Florida Democrats,

No, not the voters, I mean the democrat party leaders, wannabes and the DNC. I am so tired of your campaign ads I’m pretty sure I won’t be voting for any of the candidates you are promoting. When I turn on the six o’clock news I don’t get a single pitch for a product or service, just election crap. Don’t believe me?

Tonight during the channel 6 news, in one commercial break we had ads for,
Alan Grayson
Something else relating to your party
An anti McCain ad sponsored by the DNC
No on 2
Thad Altman

The Thad Altman ad is the only republican offering, one in five.

Over at channel 9 we had,
No on 2
Bryan Nelson
Gary Siplin
The DNC ad

In this selection, Bryan Nelson is the only republican. One in four this time.

Are we to assume that by spending this kind of money you will sweep the coveted I4 Corridor? Or are you just running so scared that you feel you need to shove your message down everybody’s throats?

I specifically want to express my concern for Alan Grayson’s 1) lack of spatial perception, and 2) lack of fashion sense. In the Grayson ad, he shows off his fancy briefcase full of $1 million in cash. He then says it would fill up a whole airplane hangar to equal $1 billion dollars. Well, that’s only 1,000 briefcases, Mr. Grayson. Those would have to be really, really big briefcases to fill a hangar. Also, please stop wearing that American flag tie with gray suits. The only people who don’t look like clowns when wearing the American flag tie are pilots, and since you don’t know much about hangars I’m guessing you know even less about airplanes. Since we’re on the topic of public image, you need to hire Rachel Zoe or something. That chick is in need of work and you need an overhaul - make up and all! When I see you on TV I immediately think, Quasimodo, troll under the bridge, O’Doyle from Billy Madison. You’re seriously scary, dude.

So anyway, Dems. I can’t wait till the election is over so I can go back to watching Dan Newlin and Cash for Gold ads. That’ll be sweet.

Your friend,
Heather