Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear Santa,

As you know, my stocking has always been my absolute most favorite part of Christmas morning since I was a child. You would bring me awesome things like new underpants, sample sized bottles of perfume, nail polish, fancy chocolate shop candies, it was wonderful.

I haven’t written you a wish list in a very long time because I don’t really need anything. As an adult with a full time job, my needs are mostly met. This year, however, I have composed a list of items that I absolutely do not want to find in my stocking. And I might recommend that if you’re thinking of delivering these items to anyone else, you might want to think twice (much like you check twice, right?). So, here’s the list.

1. A Crocs Cell Phone Case

This is called a “Crocs-o-Dial” from what I gather. I never thought those ugly Crocs Swiss-cheese-lookin’-clown-shoes were cool to begin with, and the last thing I need is a rainbow charmed, antimicrobial cell phone case.

2. Dog Stool

This obviously won’t fit in a stocking, but it’s called dog stool. Dog stool?

3. Bacon Flavored Anything

There seems to be a trend towards making bacon “cool”. There are bacon bandages, bacon air fresheners, bacon luggage tags and now bacon dental floss. No one needs this.

4. Snot Pockets

I don’t blow my nose into a handkercheif and if I did, I especially don’t need one with a special pocket just to keep my boogers safe. The whole idea of a Snot Pocket kind of turns my stomach.

That’s just a few of the things I definitely don’t want to unwrap on Christmas morning. If I come up with anything else, I’ll be sure to let you know. Thanks for everything you do, Santa!

Always a fan,

Heather

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