Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear The Nest,

I believe I got on your mailing list when I signed up for The Knot during my wedding planning. Suddenly after my wedding date I started getting a free subscription to your magazine.

I’m very concerned about the content in your publication. I can tell by looking at the cover and reading your features that you cater to an upscale clientele. But if you’ll notice, the little interjections here and there about the unhealthy financial state of your readers is disheartening. You must either stop trying to sell an upperclass lifestyle to 25 year old newlyweds, or you must begin quoting readers who actually are part of the wealthy set.

For example, on page 96 of the winter 2008 issue, you advise a woman not to close a credit card account that she is no longer using because it will affect her credit score. News flash: Our country is being torn limb from limb because the government and the citizens are all living out a credit fantasy. We cannot live healthy and build wealth on a debt laden house of cards. Credit scores only matter to people who need credit. What about getting a mortgage? A good mortgage underwriter knows when a homebuyer has strong financials. A credit score isn’t going keep a person in an apartment forever.

Oh, and that question is faced next to an American Express ad. Lost your job? Got no emergency fund? Just get another credit card. Look how well credit works for our government!

On page 105 you say, “Remember that shouldering some debt is okay.” I’m tearing my hair out at this one! NO DEBT is the only kind of “okay” debt. The only debt any of us should shoulder is a mortgage. Everything else needs to be paid of as quickly as possible, that means taking a second job and selling some stuff to make it happen. NO DEBT IS GOOD DEBT.

On page 121, a reader confesses to having “a secret credit card just for shoe shopping.” Is that supposed to be a cute comment? eHarmony.com lists financial woes as the number one reason for divorce. How could you, in good conscience, print this immature, idiotic remark from a girl who thinks keeping secrets and spending money she doesn’t have is okay in her marriage? Fortunately, another woman in a much healthier state of mind says, “I save up just so I can spurge on facials, pedicures and massages.” That’s how it should be.

Please, The Nest, your readers need a dose of tough love. They need to know that debt and credit and secrets are not a foundation on which to build a healthy marriage. Tell it like it is. Let’s create a stable future for ourselves.

Thanks,

Heather Mark

Source: http://marriage.eharmony.com/advice/marriage-save-12.html

Dear Santa,

As you know, my stocking has always been my absolute most favorite part of Christmas morning since I was a child. You would bring me awesome things like new underpants, sample sized bottles of perfume, nail polish, fancy chocolate shop candies, it was wonderful.

I haven’t written you a wish list in a very long time because I don’t really need anything. As an adult with a full time job, my needs are mostly met. This year, however, I have composed a list of items that I absolutely do not want to find in my stocking. And I might recommend that if you’re thinking of delivering these items to anyone else, you might want to think twice (much like you check twice, right?). So, here’s the list.

1. A Crocs Cell Phone Case

This is called a “Crocs-o-Dial” from what I gather. I never thought those ugly Crocs Swiss-cheese-lookin’-clown-shoes were cool to begin with, and the last thing I need is a rainbow charmed, antimicrobial cell phone case.

2. Dog Stool

This obviously won’t fit in a stocking, but it’s called dog stool. Dog stool?

3. Bacon Flavored Anything

There seems to be a trend towards making bacon “cool”. There are bacon bandages, bacon air fresheners, bacon luggage tags and now bacon dental floss. No one needs this.

4. Snot Pockets

I don’t blow my nose into a handkercheif and if I did, I especially don’t need one with a special pocket just to keep my boogers safe. The whole idea of a Snot Pocket kind of turns my stomach.

That’s just a few of the things I definitely don’t want to unwrap on Christmas morning. If I come up with anything else, I’ll be sure to let you know. Thanks for everything you do, Santa!

Always a fan,

Heather

Dear OJ Simpson,

I hate you so, so, so, so, so much. I hate that you’ve been looking for so long but haven’t found Nicole’s killer yet. I hate that you’re a bully. I hate that your kids have to deal with you without their mother. I hate that you continue to make money even though you’re behind bars.

What’s that? You’re still making money? Yeah, your ridiculous “Juiced” collectors edition DVD hits store shelves today and it sounds like some real classic style filmmaking. Let’s see, in part of the video you portray a used car salesman trying to sell a white Bronco perforated with bullet holes. All the while promoting its “escapability” feature.

You are such a filthy man. I can’t believe an anvil hasn’t fallen out of a tenth floor window and crushed you in the name of karma.

Still creeped out after all these years,

Heather Mark

Dear Looky-Loos,

Shame on you! A terrible tragedy has befallen our neighborhood and you have turned one family’s tragedy into your own fifteen minutes of fame. The people who ride by on their bikes or nonchalantly walk their dogs while all the TV trucks are out are despicable, but the absolute worst of you are the church groups.

Six months ago a little girl from my neighborhood went missing. Her name is Caylee Marie Anthony. Today they found what is probably her bones. We should all pray for her innocent soul and the loved ones she left behind.

Prayer for a family in need is not the same thing as marketing your congregation on their lawn in hopes that the media “accidentally” captures your image on the news. For you freaks who continually drive your church vans down the street in the name of Jesus and a little girl’s life cut short, GET LOST!

If you’re legit, you’ll call your members to meet at your house of worship and you’ll pray together. You will pray for the Anthonys to stay strong. You will pray for justice for little Caylee. You will hold your babies closer, tell your family you love them, give of yourself to your communities. That does not include driving the church van past a fragile family’s home, to wave as you pass the TV cameras, all in the name of righteousness… and above all Jesus.

Jesus would be ashamed of you, making a circus out of a family tragedy. You’d best get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

Heather

Dear Britney Spears,

I’m so sad about today’s performance on Good Morning America. I was really hoping you’d learn your lesson from the “Gimme, Gimme” fiasco on the MTV Video Music Awards. While your performance was a little more well rehearsed than that disaster, it wasn’t all that much better. In fact, it was sort of boring.

I’m not trying to break you down, Britney. I really like what you do, I’ve even been known to rock out to a Britney Spears song  in my car from time to time. So I promise you, my constructive criticism comes from my heart, this is not hate mail by any means.

Here is the conflict I have with your career. You are 27 now, a mother of two beautiful boys. You’ve been through the wringer and left out to dry by your “people”, your family and the media. That abuse shows through in your performances. Maybe you’d want to concentrate on your voice and not your abs for a change. It was somewhat awkward seeing you prance around in skimpy outfits in front of your mom and children. And let’s face it, since having your kids you’re curvier than you used to be. The lycra just isn’t as hot as it used to be.

Maybe you could take a cue from Angelina Jolie. She’s an impeccable dresser, always sexy without being trashy. Cover up some of your skin instead of flaunting it, it would a new, grown-up direction for you.

I expect you’ll take my advice with less than a grain of salt. But I really like you, Britney. I want to see you succeed. I just think the avenues that got you to the top might not guide you towards your future. Happy birthday, dear. I hope it was a joyful one.

Your fan,

Heather