Unsent Letters by Heather Mark

Dear Evenflo,

You make lots of practical infant items and your prices are generally good. But I have to wonder, who do you have designing these things? Clearly they’re not engineers. Or parents for that matter.

I have an older model of your Aura travel system. I love that I get the car seat/stroller action all in one. And that stroller is a real workhorse. I’ve put so much mileage on those wheels I’m surprised they haven’t fallen off.

Not only haven’t they fallen off, they haven’t gone in a straight line, either. Most of the time I push the thing and the front wheels go sideways. That’s it. I can kick and jiggle the wheels but they stay sideways. Every other stroller has wheels that go in the proper direction, what happened here?

Now the car seat, what a debacle that thing is. Did you even try to fit it into an automobile before you put it on the market? I love the zig-zag handle design, it’s nice on the wrist. But the handle is huge. I’ve installed this thing in a sedan, a mini-van and an SUV and that gargantuan handle makes it impossible for anyone to sit in the front seat. The front seat has to be moved all the way forward to accommodate the stupid handle.

The only gigantic thing about that car seat is the handle. My son isn’t even 11 weeks old yet and he’s already outgrown it. His little legs dangle over the edge and he practically sits on top of the groin strap. Can’t that be moved a little more forward so his little hey-diddle-diddle doesn’t become diaper dingleberry jam?

Unfortunately, we’ve relegated your car seat to airline detail. It’s small design fits nicely into airplane seats. And we don’t care if it gets ruined should we have to check it at the last minute. I know, those words sting, but maybe you should do some test marketing before you sell this crap next time.

Very sincerely,
Mrs. Mark

Dear Jojo,

From the time I adopted you from the Burbank animal shelter back in the 1900’s, I knew you were a special animal. Back then you held your tail straight out behind you. You sneezed up chunks of spongy cat flesh that stuck to the walls and carpets. Your poop smelled like a taco combination plate left in a hot car for a few days. You didn’t clean between your toes and you had no “catlike reflexes”. Where on Earth did you come from?

Several years later I learned you liked vegetarian items in your diet. A stray piece of watermelon or mango on the kitchen floor was a vitamin packed treat for you. Celery greens flitting over the top of the grocery bag didn’t stand a chance when you were in the room. And oh how you loved a crisp sugar snap pea. You also liked to lick the blinds and eat plastic string, for whatever that’s worth.

Tonight I was a little upset. You stole a piece of broccoli from Daddy’s plate and huddled off in the corner while you at the whole thing. The whole thing except for the impossible little flowers that were too small for you to grasp. So you left them on the carpet for me to clean up.

Jojo, you know how useless I am with the housekeeping ever since the baby was born. I could really use some help around here. Leaving broccoli mash in front of the bookcase is just inconsiderate. The baby is asleep now so I dare not run the vacuum until tomorrow. If you don’t mind, would you try again to eat up all the little broccolis for momma?

Thank you, my dear friend.

H.

Dear Senator McCain,

Since I’m sure you are a devout follower - dare I suggest even a subscriber - of my blog, you are familiar with my love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. This is an issue I think you ought to consider in the final days of the presidential campaign.

You see, Senator, as I was making my runs to Target and Office Depot yesterday, I got snarled up in some traffic on East Colonial. The road has been under construction for some time and traffic is always dreadful, but yesterday it was magically awful. (Have you noticed, Senator, that everything in Orlando is “magical”?)

As I left Target bound for the Depot, my son started to cry. Boy was he hungry! I couldn’t skip out on my Office Depot run to go straight home so I had to pull over into a parking lot to feed him. Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal but in bumper-to-bumper traffic my only option was to listen to him scream.

Have you ever been in a car with a screaming infant, Senator? It’s kind of like driving with Nancy Pelosi in the back seat, it’s that upsetting. It took me a good ten minutes to merge into the construction traffic and find the nearest parking lot to do the deed.

After spending quality time next to the dumpster at Artesian Pools, I attempted to reenter the traffic. Not a quarter mile away I saw your buses, your entourage, and all your Joe the Plumber photo ops. You had descended upon the Mi Viaje restaurant.

Sir, do you think your staff could have found a better place to have lunch? Couldn’t you Straight Talk yourself Expressly down to the resorts or something? I mean, there are lots of immigrant owned restaurants with Spanish names in Orlando. And why is it you guys always go to the immigrant owned businesses? Is Joe the Plumber just to vanilla for you? Well, that’s a letter for another day. Just because you wanted some tacos my poor son couldn’t eat. Now that’s just wrong.

I hope your tacos didn’t give you gas. Best of luck in the election.

Yours truly,
Heather